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I feel a bit fortunate because I experienced my many-year fling with anorexia in a pre-Internet era.
That meant I had zero contact with other girls, women, boys or men engaged in disordered eating. All my “tricks” were self-taught, all my knowledge self-learned (with the exception of a few ED-themed books I read at our public library.)
It was a lonely period, and I was a naturally extroverted individual. Sometimes, I think the isolation of anorexia was actually what helped me to overcome it (at least for the most part.)
I just couldn’t continue to operate in a social vacuum.
My experience often leads me to wonder if I would have hung onto my relationship with anorexia (or “Ana” as “she” is often referred to on message boards and blogs) if I had been exposed to other anorexics via the World Wide Web.
Today, there are plenty of sites out there espousing the “positives” of being “pro-Ana and Mia”. (For the uninitiated, “Mia” is an abbreviation for bulimia.) And given my personality, I know without a doubt I would have eagerly traded secrets and ideals and warped body image views with disordered eaters across the globe.
That would have been very, very destructive. In fact, I might still be too thin(or dead) today.
Now, don’t get me wrong — the Internet isn’t all bad or all good. And I’m not demonizing it; I’m simply offering my opinion.
Like any tool, the web is what you make of it.
But having surfed many ED-related sites, I must say that I’m worried and a bit horrified. Though they usually are peppered with disclaimers, they provide great appeal to people with a condition that is not healthy, regardless of what Ana/Mia proponents suggest.
But enough of my yammering and pontificating… it’s your turn…
I’d love to hear your views on this subject matter, whether you agree with me or not. Discussion is good for the soul — let’s get a dialogue started!
1231 days ago
[...] finally, the carnival of eating disorders #13 included a post by angelique about eating disorders before the internet. addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fwww.moritherapy.org%2Farticle%2F11-from-2008%2F’; addthis_title = [...]
Erin:
I so appreciate your stopping by and talking about your story.
You’re right — the Internet cannot “make” someone anorexic or bulimic. I do agree that usually people look for in the information on their own. And perhaps I misjudged some of the support groups — maybe they are valuable.
But I still know that when I was a teen, I would have used the World Wide Web into a way to highlight my ED and learn from other anorexics and bulimics. I would have posted images of myself in a strange attempt to be a “model” of the pro-Ana movement, I’m sure.
The Internet is definitely a tool, and a tool is only as powerful as the person who uses it. (A hammer doesn’t pound nails on its own…)
I hope that your story DOES inspire others to avoid the years of pain that I hope you can put behind you. I wish you much love, joy, and success in 2008.
I’m actually a pretty extroverted person myself. I absolutely hated being alone, was like the epitome of a social butterfly in college, and I liked to be the life of the party.
And I’m seeing that part of me slowly fade into this state of nothingness that doesn’t even exist and I sink deeper into bulimia/recovery and depression. I can’t actually call myself a recovering bulimic because sometimes I do recovery focused things like therapy and my EDA group and calling my sponsor and blogging. But most of my days and life is spent just dealing with being bulimic.
I think the loneliness this has brought into my life is what is DRIVING me to end this thing with my ed once and for all. Because that feeling is a LOT worse than what I felt when I was just unhappy.
Anyways, let me get back to the point. I knew about bulimia from lifetime movies and college friends. Sure, I looked on the web for strategies on how to “do it” after the first time I stuck my fingers down my throat and nothing came up. Unfortunately, that little toothbrush tip did the trick.
But I always “wanted” to be anorexic. Not in the sick, emaciated, taking it too far sense of the meaning. But in the fact that I wanted to always be in control of what I did not eat. I found that after restricting for a few days I would binge. (Surprise. Surprise.) But the internet doesn’t help with that really (nor did it educate me on what would happen after I restricted for days on end)
I don’t think it can “teach” you to do anything that you don’t already possess internally. Maybe tv, the media, the internet, family, college friends give you the idea to restrict, to binge and purge…but if I couldn’t do it and live with it (or not live with it but let it ruin my life) than it wouldn’t have stuck.
I would have binged and purged, sure. But it wouldn’t have been this THING. And let’s face it. I had the makings…the abusive childhood, the low self esteem, the obsession with Hollywood, and a really indulgent mother and super controlling father.
I don’t blame the internet, but when there are moments in my life when I’m feeling OUT of control, I would go to Pro ANA sites because I wanted to KNOW how THEY could DO IT. I mean I literally would type in, “How DO Anorexics DO IT!” I wanted to know. And I guess I should be forthcoming and say that I probably did the last search less than two months ago. AFTER I’d started recovery. After I’d started my own blog. Yeah…even though I know I can’t be anorexic and that I shouldn’t be anorexic, the other side of the coin looks a lot more appealing than bulimia and recovery. Easier than recovery.
And although I did start my blog for ME, so I could express my thoughts and I hoped I’d be accepted into a community (which I have been and I love love love them) I also started my blog because I know girls DO research this on the internet. And if I had come across a blog and read about what some young woman is going THROUGH NOW after being bulimic for 5 years, if I had read that losing 8 sizes and 65 pounds in less than a year STILL WASN’T ENOUGH, because when you have an eating disorder, it is NEVER enough….then I hope I would have never ever grabbed that toothbrush after dinner my sophomore year in college.
And we’ll never know where I’d be in life now if this had never happened and I won’t go there because it doesn’t do anything to get me to where I want to be, which is recoverED. But if I knew back then what I know now, not what could happen to some girl with occasionally binged and purged, but what WOULD happen to ME as I tried to kill this demon that lives inside of me and is trying to kill me, I’d be an overweight 24 year old who had body image issues, food issues, issues with my self esteem & parents and authority and control and anger management problems and difficulties with relationships. But I wouldn’t be bulimic. That’s what I wouldn’t be.
So yeah, I hope all that other crap is resolved in therapy and I won’t have any of those issues, but most importantly, I need to be able to say to some young girl (or guy) yes, I used to be bulimic and I thought I always would be, and I let it take over my life for far too long, but you can survive this and it doesn’t have to be when you get to 100 lbs or size 2. You can read my story, read her story, read his story, and choose to never walk down this road. You can read my story and decide to get help TODAY. You can read my story and see where you could end up 5 years from now and say, “Oh God! No!” And that’s exactly what I want them to do. Find my story on the internet and see what happens when you think it’s acceptable to want to have an eating disorder.