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Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren’t difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination…
So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….
Technique #1 : Wet Hands
Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Cetainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.
- Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don’t want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
- With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
- Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
- Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.
Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby
This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys… It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black “wife beater” shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?
- Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
- Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
- Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
- Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.
Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.
- You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.
- Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
- Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
- Add the light pile. Close the lid.
- Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
- Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
- Quick note: If your wife is screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Don’t stop what you are doing..that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.
Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down
This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can’t say no to this.
- When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
- Every time.
I know…I know.. you almost can’t take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.
Technique #5: Tonight It’s Oral Gratification
This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technnique you should be using it to it’s full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.
- Learn to cook a whole meal.
- When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
- While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
- While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.
You don;t have to thank me…no..really.
Good luck guys.
Image: Marye Audet
I seriously help out around the house ALL the time. I do the dishes, laundry, and I actually LIKE to vacuum. And I am still only getting sex 1x every 4 – 6 weeks, yes I said WEEKS.
It was hilarious. I actually started reading because i thought it was about sex. I then had to laugh at myself when i figured it out. But then i decided it is about sex (for me) because if my husband did that for one week he would get over the top, mind blowing sex as a BIG THANK YOU (i think i’ll make him an offer,lol). Well, if he doesn’t take it up i won’t love him any less.
I’m sending him the link so he can at least have a laugh and relax a little.
987 days ago
[...] encourage you to take a look at Marye’s article, “Guys: 5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire,” and as explicit and frank as these may seem, please tell us if you can imagine these [...]
LOL, got a lot fun to reading the entire post.
I think it was very well done! Extremely funny.
Perhaps there needs to be a rule book on how not to spoil spouses, required reading before marriage.
:)
Marye, I did have a good laugh reading you “tips”.
Some of the reactions it got are just…Ouch! What amused me was how my wife would be happy to set it as our new standard, when I am struggling to lower her expectations. My mum-in-law actually told my wife recently, “Your husband has spoilt you”. We had a good laugh about it… but little has changed since then :)
Sailesh..it was really only meant to be a joke and I have been amazed at the nerve it seems to have it.
Henk..It doesn’t matter whether I like you or not, or how much…that is between you and your wife… ;)
I only have one thing to say…two actually… I don’t ask my wife to put up trusses for me on a building 4 stories high, nor do I ask her to work in -20 temperatures. You get my point.
Next, why don’t men get pissed off when the women leave the toilet seat down?! Last I checked, the world’s population was pretty much split down the middle, meaning none of us have the swing vote one way or the other… Which is why the men quietly pull the seat up every time, WITHOUT complaining. It’s what we do.
:)
FYI, my wife loves me. I cleaned the house yesterday because she wasn’t feeling well, got her pink roses, only because they didn’t have white cala lillies, and got her a spa package at a nearby spa. How do you like me now?
Good one, Marye. More true than funny though.
I empathise with Brad coz I graduated from hotel school too. Boarding school and a single-parent home makes chores a part of normal life. I ensure my wife gets time to relax @home coz we both work. Then one took undue advantage of the other. Now, I am a bad husband coz I stopped going the extra mile! :) … though I still do my own laundry. Its bizarre considering that our apartment cleaning is outsourced and my wife never cooks!
Ahhh Brad, there will always be those who do everything and yet still miss out.
Thank You Marye,
Seems you are a bit too late for me. I went a step further I guess.
I have a culinary degree, that makes meal time very easy to create.
I have Massage license that is in demand after bath time.
Dishes are all done by our 14 year old.
I do laundry because every time I don’t I experience foaming under my arms and in the crotch area, with a severe rash. Not sure what that is all about but I’m thinking triple soap and skipping the rinse cycle may have something to do with it.
So what is this Sexual thing you talk about, I do all this so i only need to sleep with one eye open.
Brad West ~ onomoney
Here is another one–similar to technique #2. I call it the “The Grassy Shave.” Go to the garage and take the lawn mower to the sidewalk. (extra credit if you wear baggy sweats). Slowly move the mower from the inside of your lawn to the outside taking extra time to circle stimulating points of interests such as trees and lawn decorations. For variation, try moving the mower in slow back and forth motions over places where the grass is especially thick. Once the lawn has been sufficiently shaved, be sure to throw away the clippings, put the mower away and to wash your hands.
Too hard
I really dont see doing this just to please a woman…
seems sort of silly really…
Marye, Marc, really enjoyable especially thr responses to the negative feedback. Also, hoping your son and his buddies come safely home.
Zafar that is good!
Zafar you are hysterical
You forgot “Stroke, stroke stroke”
Plug in the iron. As it (and she) heats up, whisper sweet loving thoughts. Once the iron is heated, place a freshly washed t-shirt on the table, lay the iron on it and gently stroke with slow long motions. Continue this treatment till t-shirt is smooth and wrinkle free. Repeat till all clothes are ironed. Then proceed to take wife’s clothes off, and use techniques 4 and 5 to make her quiver qith love and desire.
ah well…it is all in the timing. :)