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It doesn’t take a genius to ascertain that I keep a smart-ass establishment (drugs and horoscopes much?). But we all know that underneath the big, bad edge, smart-asses are really the most tender nibblins of all. So here’s a little love for everyone who has the courage to live, but most especially a couple of my bruised peeps – you know who you are. For everyone else, don’t worry – we’ll get back to the sardonic escapades in two shakes of Molly McButter.
Broken heart? Rejection? Failure? It hurts (and hurts, and hurts).
Here’s how to properly lick your wounds:
1. Take heart: you will not die.
Even though it really, really feels like it. Even though you can feel your heart physically swelling in your chest and pain pulsing through your entire body and your ribs are sticking to your sides like macaroni on a microwave – you will not die from this. It might mess up your mental and physical health a little in the short term (you’re allowed to eat some carbs, for Pete’s sake). But you will not die. It still hurts, though.
2. At least it’s a good hurt.
Vera Pavlova wrote:
“If there is something to desire,
there will be something to regret.
If there is something to regret,
there will be something to recall.
If there is something to recall,
there was nothing to regret.
If there was nothing to regret,
there was nothing to desire.”
3. Give yourself as much time as you need.
A lot of the angst of moving on comes from self-judgments about when and how and why you should move on and what you did wrong. Don’t compare yourself to others. You’re not nuts; you’re not strange; you’re not obsessed; you’re not a fool. Your big crime is innocence. The only sin you can possibly commit is doubting yourself. You’re just human and you felt something. At the time, whenever that was, it felt right. Accept that your feelings are your feelings and let them be (to paraphrase Marcus Aurelius). Feelings are hard to feel and even harder to understand. They’ll pass when the time is right and not a moment sooner.
4. Things simply are what they are.
And now they are different. They cannot be any other way. Life is a series of moments and all you really have to do in this life is accept them. No one expects anything more; and believe me, no one upstairs does, either. Sometimes those moments turn into chapters, but ultimately even the chapters conclude.
5. Treat yourself right.
Try to get out as much as you can (but don’t force yourself to jump into something new or go out partying every night). Talk to your friends, even if all you can squeak out is “it’s another rough one today”. Don’t worry about annoying them – even if you do, they are the ones who really know you and they will still love you. You can’t fool them anyway – even if you don’t say anything, they know.
6. Exercise.
A daily bout of exercise – walking, running, lifting weights, dancing, the elliptical, yoga – will help your brain both regulate and release your feel-good hormones. A bonded relationship causes your brain to release oxytocin, a powerful “commitment” peptide. When it goes away you can become depressed. So let those other helpful hormones fill in the void. Exercise!
7. Eat a lot of fat.
Beneficial fatty acids in things like olive oil, nuts, avocados and salmon will baby your brain and help keep your mood stable. Eat some at every meal from here on out.
8. Spoil yourself (but not too much).
Buy your favorite beer, enjoy an entire pint of ice cream. But don’t go overboard – you’ll just end up feeling worse. There’s no hard-and-fast rule for when you’re about to cross the line. I think you’ll know your limit if you listen to your instincts. In fact, I believe our instincts will never, ever let us down, if only we would pay them heed. (And remember, if you cross your line, that’s okay. Mistakes are not bad, they are learning, and that is what life is all about, right?)
9. This too shall pass.
I know – I know – it doesn’t feel that way right now, but the pain will pass. Reality bites and life will give your heart a ruthless pruning, but you’ll grow back even fuller. You might miss a season or two – no worries, so did the damaged peach tree I watched my grandmother coax for 10 patient years. The fruit it finally bore was the best slice of sweet imaginable. That memory has always comforted me; find one that comforts you.
10. Now is not the time to begin training for a marathon, overhauling your investments, or perfecting your GTD system.
Initial small accomplishments can give you a bump, but if you’re using them to avoid feeling the hurt, that hurt will just come back with a wallop (I don’t know about you but I’m an expert at this one). Do make positive changes and invest yourself in projects that are both distracting and productive, because these things will help you move on with greater confidence. I’m glad I read my RSS feeds today, because one of my favorite bloggers posted this positive guide to dealing with setbacks. But just remember that as you take positive actions, don’t try to repress those feelings. Feelings always come out eventually.
Although, when they do…that’s good, too. Have a good, long lick and remember: everybody plans picnics in the park. Everybody carries a private hurt (or hundred). Good for you for feeling something and taking a risk. That’s called living and all we can do is our best in each moment. There is no right or wrong; there is no should. There is only real.
You might feel sad and hurt, but guess what?
I was head over heels for 2 and 1/2 years with a guy who everyone said was beneath me, and a huge dork. But I loved him. I was his “first” and for awhile it was all magic. I have always been there for him and tried to fight for us. Well long story short I got pregnant but suffered a miscarriage, he was so unfeeling, which he now admits and says he just didn’t know what to do. But eventually his inability to return all the care I gave, and having no one to go to, got me pretty depressed- which he couldn’t handle either. So he broke-up with me for a third time about a year ago and, told then 2 months later me at a New Years Eve party that he was “falling in love” with a new friend of ours. We have been fooling around and hanging out like every week for this past year, but now after it seemed to have been over, he is with our “friend” more and I noticed that none of our friends even knew he was still talking to me, let alone all the rest. I told him I hate feeling so used and that I didn’t want to see him ever again, but I was nice about it. I know he is no good for me but it hurts A-LOT, and sucks because I feel I just helped make him more confident and girlfriend-ready, and now he just moves on.
Amazing. I had my heart broken 10 months ago by a girl I was with for 2 years. 2 months later she begins screwing with my heart for the next 8 months. Every time she calls me and asks for my help I’m there for her at arms length and eventually weaken and coax her into my bed again thinking she cares about me still, loves me still, only to find out I’ve basically just reopened my wounds by having no spine. I went two months without seeing her and was doing ok when she called me again asking me to help her. I did but I wouldn’t look at her and I wouldn’t hug her. A couple days later she convinced me to hug her and open up again. Then she disappears for a week again. End of that week I’m sending her mean messages, she calls me, we end up spending the night together. This time I was fine afterwards, but I got sick, and I haven’t ever had to take care of myself sick before. I tried getting her to come after work but she wouldn’t and right now I feel so desperate to have her back and I’m fighting with myself not to start trying to get her back. She started dating another guy less than a month after she dumped me 10 months ago and even after being cheated on by him she’s still involved with him. I’ve never felt so pathetic and weak in my life. I am the epitome of a pathetic human being. I have looks, I have brains, and I have a big boat and know how to use it, I have a good job (I’d be doing so much better if I could focus), I have big plans and a big future. But my life feels so empty without her and there’s nothing more pathetic than loving someone who doesn’t love you back and not being able to cut them out of your life. This article was amazing though. Perfectly put. I started getting through the initial breakup so I’m sure I’ll be ok. It just helps to vent.
omg…i just ended a 17 year old relationship and i feel like crap, its only been 1 week and i feel like im going to die…all i do is cry and think, i cant imagine myself being with anyone else and i miss him like crazy, but i know that the relationship was not working, so im not calling him back, but i feel so sad and empty, i cant even imagine being with anyone else, im very pretty and have a great personality, but im 39 so i feel like my live is ending….omg, when is this pain going to end, alll i do is stay home in my bedroom and cry and i even started buying wine to forget my problems…..i drank like 3 bottles of wine this week and i never seem to feel better..
Life really is bitter sweet, we can’t let them take our lives from us , as they go on never looking back. While we play over and over in our heads how it could be and what we should have done, while they are totally blind or glad we are suffering in loneliness. We need to live and be the best we can be. This is the only way to beat them, they are the enemy till we can be free from the emotional connection
i also love a girl so much.we had been in a relationship since one year.but before 1 month. She broke up with me.the reason she tells for breaking up wid me is that she thinks. I don’t love her and only using her. I cry all the day and night. I m dying from inside..
Me too. ^.^
This made me smile :)
Hello , I don’t really know how to help you. But I just wanted to let you know I’m dealing with the same thing. But I don’t think that he was ever an ass hole tho. Just maybe think of it this way. If It was meant to be , You will find him again, or Maybe you might thank him later in life , cuz your might just find your true love. Also maybe he just didn’t want this cuz , he loves you so much that he doesn’t want you to hurt him , and same with him to you. And maybe he feels that you need someone when hes gone, and hes to far away to be there for you, He could feel useless. I Hope it helps , It helps me , cuz sometimes I need to be told what I already know, Hope you feel better . Good luck :) .
My boyfriend just broke up with me after eight months of dating. Im heading off to college in the fall and he knew this the whole time in fact he I told him that I didnt want to date him in the beginning of our relationship. He told me he would never give up on us if I gave him a chance. So I did and thank god because I totally fell head over heals in love with h im and he fell in love with me as well. We made plans that I would come home every weekend to see him and some weekends he would come up and visit me. Everything was fine and the plan was set in stone. Well this Tuesday night he txt me goodnight baby I love you which wasnt anything new because we did this every night and every morning. Well the next day I get a txt good morning baby I love you and I replied the same thing back to him. A couple hours later he txt me that we need to talk. Well he broke up with me because he said that he can’t do a long distance relationship with me. I was completly heart broken. I cry every night and morning because I miss him. I feel like Im not worth anything any more. Some days I feel like I would hurt less if I would just die. I really need some feed back like asap. I feel awful like he is such a ass hole and I know I can do better but I cant help but to love him and miss him. Please give me some advice to forget about him.
Thank you for this blog. My girlfriend dumped me 5 months ago, and I am still extremely sad and depressed. Each month has gotten a bit better, but I am still so hurt, and I have little hope of feelings happy again. I especially appreciate the section about how each situation is different and no matter how long it goes on, I should not feel like a strange weirdo for not being able to move on from this. There are times when I feel truly hopeless and couldn’t feel much worse, so I try to find websites like these for encouragment. Thank you. And to everyone going through what I am going through, God Bless you, I wish the best for all of you.
My situation is complicated.. my gf.. ex of six years just broke up with me less than 5 hours ago.. im hurting so bad and i dont know what to do… i just came back from vacation and what did i come home to? a note of her and her sigh.. “someone”.. they were exchanging i love you’s and so and so.. i knew for a while that he like her but she wouldnt believe me… i even joke around that she likes that (attention and all) but i really dont know wht happened during my vacation..sigh.. i literally fell on my knees and bawled… yeah she told me she was sorry but i just couldnt believe it… also that “someone” is one of my brother/friend… she told me she loved him and can’t be with me.. she said she’ll always love me but not as before.. but the weirdest thing is.. that i still want her… why? why do i still want her after what she had done to me? my heart hurts so much i could hardly talk right.. my eyes are always filled with tears that no cloth, napkin, or tissue can sop up… what’s worse is that im in college and i have a class with her… im already thinking of dropping all my classes tomorrow… and whats evn worse is how she did it.. we talked sure but at the end she just stormed off… during the talk i just kept crying and i guess she got fed up with it(?)..i cant stop thinking of her and what she did to me… can anyone please help me in my situation… everything remind me of her.. why? because we did everything together..
Your article speaks a lot of truth. Heartbreak sucks. There’s no way around that. The best thing, and sometimes the only thing, you can do is allow time to heal. Sometimes it will take longer then other times due to the depth of connection and hurt you feel. The best thing you can do for yourself is to allow yourself to feel that hurt, but to realize that it’s only temporary. it will pass. Take the time to build yourself up stronger.
Your insights are very helpful!
hi,i met a girl through my fnd.she love him but he was already in a relationship,so he refused her. from the first sight i started loving her. i started chatting for hours on phone. in the mean time she proposed me,i didnt rply.but we continued to chat. although we met only twice. it was my first experience of love.i was on a new height of happiness.i had never been so much happy as i was . suddenly i realised that she still love her fnd. she even talk to her.it would not have hurt me if my fnd would not have been my room partner. whenever i trid to confess that i love her,before she used to show that she still love him. she was not ready to end chating on phone with me. at last i realised that she was double crosing me. so i told her not to talk with me.she even stopped talkin with me and countinued talking dirty thin with my room mate. although it hurt me a lot but i kept mum seeing my love on one side and my room partner on other side.i jst weep lonely to sooth my heart.then i returned home after there she phoned me. she pretended that she remembers me. then she said sorry. i started talkin to her. she also told me that i am the only person she would talk to. i thought she understood me. one day i recalled her about she once told me i love u,she replied that she tells this to everyone. i did not mind her.one day she put me on conference with my fnd. my anger knew no bound. i called her father and told him that she frequently calls me. after that i changed my number. i am left brojen heartby that girl. now i came to know that she is physally involved with my fnd. after all i cant understand why my heart still loves her. whenever i remember her,tears come in my eyes. my fnd told her that he love someone else,he only like her for physical relationship. after hearing hep about her invovement in sexual activity.i jst want to foqget her. what should i do.
I feel for everyone who on this site left with the pain of a break up.
I wasn’t with this person for very long only 5 months. It’s been 2 months since we stopped seeing each other. I didn’t think I was going to get attached to him, we were never boyfriend and girlfriend, but I felt connected to him. He was easy to talk too and he made me feel good about myself. But the reality is that he wanted out. I begged for him to come back and he told me no I changed my cell phone I could not take the fact that my cell phone would ring and it would not be him. So a few weeks ago he comes to my house and of course I open the door, what a mistake. He told me when he left that he would see me again. The next day I texted him my new number and also sent him an email through fb of my new number and ever since then he hasn’t responded back to my text and he also blocked me from his fb page. I haven’t contacted him since. I’ve tried to see other people but that hasn’t help either, so now I’m back to dealing with myself, I feel so empty inside but it really doesn’t matter because life is going to go on whether I’m with him or not. I want to speak to a therapist but can not afford one at this time. So thanks for listening to me, lol. I have never felt like this for anyone before, but I try to look at this break up in a positive way, he didn’t spend a lot of time with me and he was seeing other girls, so in away it’s kind of good, but it doesn’t feel like that right now. Hopefully in time I’ll be back on track and he’ll be a guy from my past. Good luck to everyone with a broken heart.
im 46 and six months ago my boyfriend told me he wanted to be on his own i moved from my city to his to be with him and moved in with him and his 21 year old daughter he was married before , i have never been married. we got on so well we were so happy, our sex life was great and well i thought we were fine, i then found out he had meet his x girfriend and was with her , he told me him self he said it ment nothing. we were still in and out of each others life till 2 mouths ago and then he said he had meet some one, well its killed me his still with her and well iv not contacted him since. but then his not made any contact with me .. i heard he was out with her for his birthday and is madly in love,, i cant seem to move on im crying all the time and feel like going to sleep and not waking up,, i dont know were it went wrong but i just want him back. im still living in the same town as iv got a job here, but im so scared of seeing him with her ,and it will happen as the town is not that big. i had to move out of his house when we split and well iv moved in with a friend but i dont konw to many people here and its so lonley. chris
Your “escape” has consequences. It might be wise to re adjust your own understanding of what happened with your own language in order to heal yourself. Your “escape” is called INFIDELITY and crosses all boundaries of trust in a relationship. It is a form of self entitlement that does not equate to loving your self or your partner. Understanding your past issues is the start-but re-vamping your value system for the future is key. You cannot well love another until you well love yourself.
Have you considered the full impact on your wife’s life? She needs to grieve her losses: you as her husband and friend, the form of her married life with you as it relates to place/home, friends and family, life goals/shared dreams, children, and ultimately she grieves the loss of HER OWN SELF in regards to her ability to trust her own decisions, committments and loyalties. The solid ground of her life has had a magnitude 9 + and will take a long time to re-build.
I think your essential honesty in this post is a good start- I hope this reply will be taken for it’s own compassionate honesty and will be part of a catalyst for your own future healing. Best wishes for you both.
my wife walked out on me after 3 1/2 years of marrage. she currently is seeing anther man. we been together for a total of 8 yrs. it hurts to let go, its only been a week since i seen her last. im already hearing that she was seen walking thru a store with him and my step son:( im like how so soon wtf. how do you get out of a marrage and jump into a relationship just like that, i ask is she really happy like she says she is? it feels like im dyeing and shes all happy with no care in the world. im just sooo hurt and trying to for get, but everything i do or go reminds me of her. is it like that for her???? idk im just hurting right now….
This is a good thing.
I cheated on my wife, it was a form of escape. We stayed together and now we have parted company and country. I tried to explain why I made such a mistake. It had to do with past hurt and uncertainty but now I know I love her.
She has cut all contact, she rightly says the pain is too much to bear.
I’m going through a shattering breakup. After two years he just left and is moving on like i never existed. I caught HIM in lies and then he blames me for the end of us. He has someone else, I can feel it in my core..because of his lies. I thought I was doing okay but I’m not. How can you think you know someone and know their love for you..then they shatter you like you are NOTHING. I trusted him, then he did EVERYTHING he promised me he never would. I’m inlove with a man that is living his life without me and with a replacement of me. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. Breathing hurts, and everytime I wake up I wish I hadn’t. My heart is gone.
I can relate same thing happen to me after 5 yrs she just told me she didn’t want this anymore blamed me for everything and the entire time she had been seeing another guy at least the last 6 months of our relationship I never saw it coming she lied to me so much. its been a while now and it still runs through my head I am angry and mad i put everything in to our relationship and she turned it off like it never happened . I realize I had to move on even though its hard but I know in my heart she is never coming back and a big part of me doesn’t want a person who would do that to me anyway. so slowly i am trying. but it kills apart of you when someone tells you they love you and then just spits on you. like you were never there. but the best revenge is living well with out them
Been a year now and i still think about him more then id like to, though I do not let that interfere with my everyday life. I have found not a single soul that compares to what I had with him but I find hope & courage in the thought that someday I may! Broken hearts take time to heal but you just have to keep going and do things that make you happy. Dont be a loner like me..it makes it 1000times harder. No kids/few friends/no closeness to anybody.. But each day I just keep pressing on & reminding myself that it wont be like this forever! <3 me!