Interview With Dr. Todd Sellick, Part One

O.k.  I promised you the interview with Todd about the A Private Affair game. I just have to say that having communicated via email with Todd and Jan for so many months they are just really nice people.  It has been a great joy to have learned more about them, gotten to know them, and count them as cyber-friends.  I hope you enjoy getting to know them, and more about the game, as well.

What is your background?

I am a physician by training, but also have a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology.  I studied in Canada, Arizona, and also in England where I met my wife Jan in 1984.  I have a group clinical practice focusing primarily on marriage and family therapy, but also work quite extensively in the area of affective disorders and addictions; which includes counseling for depression, anxiety disorders, various alcohol and other drug concerns, as well as providing trauma response work for various government and private organizations.  We also run our own EAP program for Canadian companies and government programs.

What do you feel is the main problem (or problems) couples are facing
sexually today?

Couples today face some very interesting challenges which can impoverish their love relationship in so many ways, and on a variety of levels.  One author (I believe it was Sheldon Vanauken in his fabulous book “A Severe Mercy) suggested that unless couples are extremely mindful and diligent in their marriage, they risk suffering a “creeping separateness,” that distorts and tarnishes the life and friendship of marriage.  The sexual part of the relationship very naturally, and reasonably, suffers along with this, so often bruised in this experience of “creeping separateness.”

As well, couples are busy, often frustrated financially, fatigued, and lonely, and so often at a loss as to where to begin in their road back to each other.  I often think of Richard Swenson’s book entitled “Margins.” In this he suggests that a margin is the space that’s supposed to exist between our absolute limits, and how we’re actually living out our lives, day-to-day. Most of us, he argues, are quite maxed out in terms of our commitments, busyness, and involvements, leaving very little of this “margin” in our lives.  However, it is in this margin, he suggests, that the truly rich and delicate and life-giving parts of our lives and relationships are to thrive.

It is no wonder then, that we are experiencing the various poverties that my clients complain about nearly every day; in parenting, financially, health-wise, emotionally, relationally, including sexually. And this dire angst and poverty in the sexual love relationships has been understood for a very long time.  Although the term “sexless marriage” is a relatively new one, it was King Solomon who mused, over 3000 years ago, that one of the most tragic things of all, was “a married woman, who is unhappy.”

Socrates suggested that the unexamined life was not worth living.  I think we could similarly suggest that the unexamined marriage is not worth living; (or certainly, is a very difficult experience indeed).  But where to begin?  My experience is that couples are often earnest in their desire to address this angst, these feelings of separateness, but that they very often don’t know where, or how to begin.

Where we’re at, however, DOES make sense.  The theologian Dallas Willard reminds us in his writing that “…your system is perfectly designed to produce the result you are getting.”  In other words, we as couples may be discouraged about the results we are getting in our love-lives (in all its’ aspects), but we should not really be surprised.  What are we doing to address this poverty?

In her brilliant little book, “Gift from the Sea,” first written in 1955, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, wife to the famous aviator Charles, writes  ”…like its parallel in physical passion, the early ecstatic stage of a relationship cannot continue always at the same pitch of intensity. It moves to another phase of growth which one should not dread, but welcome as one welcomes summer after spring. But there is also a dead weight accumulation, a coating of false values, habits and burdens which blights life. It is this smothering coat that needs constantly to be stripped off, in life as well as in relationships.”

I think this is an excellent picture of what often happens in our love lives. The various things (false values, habits and burdens, etc.) which so easily “blight” our lives, and which, somehow, need to be stripped off.

As couples, there are many things we need to do to creatively, and purposefully address this.  Our intent with the game was to hand couples a rich tool for their arsenal. Something quite attractive, compelling, practical, fun, and life-giving for their relationship.  The focus is on the sexual piece, but we have made a careful effort to try to bring nearly every part of their relating into a more open, naked and honest place.

In the story of Creation, the original intent was that couples would be “naked and not ashamed.”  What a thrilling possibility, but as Anne Lindbergh writes, how easily and completely is this nakedness covered, and various kinds of shame thrive to “blight” what should be beautiful.

We have been very intentional in designing our game.  Note the subtitle; “A PRIVATE AFFAIR: The Erotic Game of Secrets, Plans and Promises for Couples.”

In seeking to address this “creeping separateness,” and this “dead weight” accumulation which blights our loving, we have created avenues for couples to risk (dare!) disclosing more secret parts of themselves to their lover (and to themselves!)

Secondly we are giving opportunity for couples to consider and scheme new plans and possibilities for their lives together (sexually and otherwise).

And lastly, the game gives opportunity (i.e. through the SUDS sheets – which, by the way, means, “Sock & Underwear Drawer Sheets”) to make promises to each other, and to create reminders that we will indeed remember, and follow up with each other in the days ahead. Without this piece, we end up creating a bit of insight and hopefulness, but then soon forget and lose new discoveries and possibilities.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I am going to cut the interview right here for now.  Why don’t you plan on talking about some of this with your spouse, processing it together, and starting to open up deeper communication? Personally, I think the part about us, as individuals in marriage becoming naked and ashamed is key.

More tomorrow..and it is GOOD stuff.

image:marye audet