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a guest post by Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW
(www.livelywomen.com) — My husband and I began our marriage later in life. I was 42, he was 38. Change was hard for him. I heard the tick tock of my biological clock. It was growing louder and rusting. Much to our amazement I was pregnant 2 months after our wedding. I soon had a miscarriage. We realized how badly we wanted to be parents. We consulted a reproductive endocrinologist (infertility specialist) because of my age challenges. My eggs were not healthy enough to sustain a full pregnancy. The options were:
- Adoption
- Choose to be childless
- Infertility treatment
We chose option 3. We wanted a biological connection to our child. Because of my age, the greatest chance for success was an egg donor.
Egg Donor Infertility Treatment Process
- A younger, healthy woman would donate her eggs. (known or anonymous donor) Anonymous for us.
- You and the donor are given medication to help her produce eggs and to help prepare your uterus for implantation.
- The eggs are placed in a petri dish and combined with husband’s sperm.
- If successful these cells will multiply and grow.
- After 6 days this blastocyst, or embryo, will be surgically placed in the uterus.
It took 9 months till we found the “perfect donor” through our clinic. Her information showed she looked like me which was important for me. She even shared my passion for softball. We were ready to retrieve her eggs and learned she was pregnant. We had to begin again. It felt overwhelming. Eventually we found another donor. Our day finally arrived.
We did the procedure and the embryo was implanted in my uterus. Two days later I learned the place I had worked was closing. My job was gone. It was incredibly stressful. I miscarried again.
We had one final chance, only 3 eggs left. I didn’t want to go through this procedure after that because of the emotional and physical strain. The doctor told us one egg looked fantastic and another appeared “marginal.” The third was OK. He asked us how many of them did we want to implant? “I will give you a couple of minutes to decide” and he walked out. We were stunned. Two minutes, limited information, and a decision that would impact us the rest of our lives. We chose to implant the fantastic and OK eggs. I called the doctor that did my surgery “the lone ranger” because I never saw his face. He did the implantation, slapped me on my back saying “it was a good day to get pregnant.” I was given medication to relax. I checked with my husband to make sure the doctor had done something down there because I didn’t feel a thing. Our wait began.
The test I took 10 days later confirmed I was pregnant. We were thrilled. I was anxious throughout my pregnancy because I was afraid something would go wrong again. I later learned that everyone who goes through infertility and gets pregnant has these fears. My husband was ever the optimist. During my pregnancy we had time to consider what it meant to be “older parents.” I might be going through menopause when my child was going through the terrible 2’s. That did happen!
Issues & Advantages of Older Parending
- Less energy to keep up with your child.
- Greater financial stability.
- A more stable support group of family and friends.
- The wisdom and knowledge from life experiences.
- Challenges of a new parenting lifestyle.
- Impact on career.
- Balancing career/parenting.
- Impact on your relationship as couple.
Our daughter, Grace Ellen Waichler, was born 2 and a half years after we began our infertility journey. I was one month shy of my 46th birthday. We can’t imagine our lives without her. The irony is many of our friends who were “late bloomers” were inspired by Grace’s birth and chose to become parents later in life. Some did it the old fashioned way. Some tried infertility treatment.
As an older parent one of the best things I did was join a parenting after infertility group. I found it through RESOLVE, the national infertility organization. You can find your local chapter online. The advantages are:
- You can be with other older parents and share older parenting advice/concerns/support.
- Your kids will grow up with other kids who were conceived the same way or adopted thus normalizing it for them.
- Children that were conceived through infertility will have peer/support as they cope with disclosure issues and other issues related to their birth through infertility/adoption.
All this for a guy who had trouble with change. He learned to adapt. Whatever you decide is right for you, I wish you well on your journey to become a parent.
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Iris Waichler, MSW, LCSW, has been a licensed clinical social worker for over 30 years. She is author of the award-winning book Riding the Infertility Roller Coaster: A Guide to Educate And Inspire
Tags: womens health blog, lively women, kristen king, iris waichler, infertility, fertility treatment, pregnancy, older parenting
