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Sex. I hate talking about it, but “new mother + sex” is a rather popular search term on the Internet. This is an era when a feminist should be able to talk about anything. I imagine many searchers are new mothers who are wondering when desire will return, when they will be able to relax and not think about what had to be stitched back together. Other searchers are probably men, like my husband, who will find the one or two references that contradict the conventional wisdom of waiting 6 to 8 weeks after the birth.
These men really need to start getting up in the night with their babies. Then, they will be too tired to even think about sex either. They also might find that their wives and children like them more, that they are truly engaged in family life.
On the other hand, after our first was born, my husband said that the new baby made him feel so emotional, so full of love, that romance seemed like a natural extension to what he was feeling. With our second child, he just hid out at work until most of the hard work was done each day.
It is normal not to feel like doing it after you’ve had a baby. Getting up at night, breastfeeding, fear of getting pregnant again too soon and feeling used all contribute to a seriously deflated libido. And, really, wanting to get your groove back is admirable, as long as you’re doing it for yourself. I am not sure that any relationship benefits from “OK, I’ll do it for you” sex.
Or does it?
So much about giving birth and becoming a mother does pitch us into something primal, something traditonal, something role-ish that can make sex feel like a duty. Many relgious women from a variety of faiths have been taught that sex is just another duty to be performed. And, long term breastfeeding is returning from medical exile, from a time when doctors advised women to put their babies on bottles of forumla 6 to 8 weeks after birth so that she would again be sexually available to her husband, who in return, wouldn’t abandon the family, leaving them dependent on the state.
While I think a sexless period after the birth of a child is normal, many women still feel guilty that they just don’t feel like it. Still others feel pity for their poor, sexually-deprived partners. Both those emotions certainly don’t appeal to my libido.
What do you think is normal? What would you tell a close friend who asked? If you don’t want to leave a comment, check out the poll on the side bar.
I think men expecting things to return to normal straight away are selfish and the author is correct we can be very lazy.
We need to do more to help out and get on her wavelength.
On the flip side women need to understand how a man who was ‘once’ your number one might feel! And yes…. after healing.. you might not feel like sex but can do it! Ive had sex when i didnt feel like it too sometimes we have to put the others needs first, thats the covenant of marriage.
If nothing else its nice to know im not the only one struggling.
Im in the early days still, we have a 2month old but my wife was completely off any sexual intimacy all through pregnancy (bar 1 freak day) so im counting 11months now.
Im very physical and sex for me strengthens my emotion towards the other half, and relieves tension – i guess its hormonal (us men have them too, and they kick ass).
Someone might want to tell my wife that regular sex will (hormonaly) make me want to do more to help her provide and nurture etc
problem solved!
however it seems that despite ‘equality’ its my responsability to make the extra effort on the off chance that she might respond.
i must admit ive not been the best, i want her to understand the importance for me that sex has but im just causing negative conatation by discussing my frustration.
i would happily do more to help out and keep my mouth shut but would feel hard done by as i feel i do more than enough already and think i lack the patience to keep it up without getting upset, especially as im frustrated before i start!?!?
Its not easy!
UGGHHHH….
I’m feeling guilty, but I just have no interest in sex. We just had our 2nd child 9 months ago, and she’s been cosleeping since I was breastfeeding until last month. My husband is upset that our sex life is currently in the “nowhere zone.” But I feel exhausted most days, I’m the primary income and work 12 hour shifts. Then when I come home I ALWAYS put the kids to bed.
So by the time I shower I’m already half asleep on my feet.
Am I behaving like an awful wife for not being interested?
He says he’s depressed cuz he’s unhappy with our sex life and he doesn;t know how to approach me with out getting shut down.
I don’t know what to do. I feel like I HAVE to have sex to make him feel better even if I’m not in the mood.
i cant hit the capital letter key as i have my 3 month old asleep in my arms……but my hubbie and i have had sex 1.5 times since I gave birth. whilst the first few weeks were difficult physically, i would say the problem started immediately after the birth- but for me it started when i asked my husband for a 15 minute cuddle break the day after i got home from the maternity clinic and he snapped back at me ” that’s really not my priority right now”! the message he sent me really stuck and i realized ‘everything’ had changed….
he became bossy and controlling and the more this went on the more i lost my attraction to him.
he’s calmed down a bit now but i feel completely numb on a libido level
we share an overwhelming love for our baby, we still ‘plan’ together, but i cant imagine what it will take to get things moving again.
one thing does affect me- baby is still sleeping in our room- but our appartment is too small to have a seperate room-
we moved the babys moses basket into the lounge the one time we did have sex but i feel a seperate room is really important
i agree with an earlier comment, its really important that the male plays the role of being a man, in the sense of providing a comfortable ‘nest’- in my case, this is not happening- so maybe thats our starting point for discussion!
What a bunch of drivel.
Louie needs to grow a pair.
That was definately posted by a chick.
It’s all about hormones. It is all about not having a regular natural period that is not regulated by hormonal birth control. I lost my sex drive after becoming pregnant with my first child. My husband had to put up with a lot of half-ass sex attempts on my behalf. I honestly wanted to want to have sex but it just was not in me…until I stopped nursing my first child. As soon as I had weaned her my sex drive magically came back….for a week. What a great week that was but then a week later I had no desire to have sex just to find out that I actually was pregnant with baby #2. Throughout that pregnancy and period of breastfeeding I had a very low sex drive. But then as soon as I had finished nursing, sex was great again. I was asking for it and couldn’t get enough of it. Then magically about 6 weeks ago my libido stopped again. I knew right there that I was pregnant. And sure enough baby number 3 is on the way.
Also thinking back on the early days before having children and being newly weds, I realized that my libido wasn’t great either. As first things are new and exciting and the sex was great but then the sex dwindled out. That was until I went off of birth control, went back to my natural monthly cycle. Then sex was great again.
I blame all the lost libido on hormones and not having a natural period. Pregnancy screws this up, breastfeeding screws this up and birth control pills screw it up because they all mess with your estrogen hormone levels.
See a hormone doctor if stopping nursing and going off birth control don’t work. Pregnancy can throw a whole lot of things out of whack hormonally and you may need help to get back to where your hormones used to be.
Men be patient with your wives. Love them through it all. And encourage them because they are truly trying to do what’s best for your family just like you!
And just so you know, I am going to breastfeed my new baby when it comes and my husband is all on board with that. He knows that sex is going to be few and far between in the next few months but its a sacrifice we are both willing to take.
My Husband just doesn’t understand why I don’t want sex, and I too am beginning to hate him. He’s only nice when he wants sex. I have body hang ups after being a first time Mum, and he told me I should tend to his needs first in the morning before I see to our baby who is crying for his breakfast and nappy change. For this comment, I detest him so much and he can’t see how that would put me off sex with him. He always wants me to dress up but he never ever puts any effort in, running a bath or making a nice meal, he just basically gets his wanger out and expexts me to be turned on and perform. I think not!!!
I just read this load of crap looking for way to help my wife feel better about herself as she says she feel fat and disgusting after the birth of our child.
And after reading this load of crap I have lost four points off my I.Q
Just letting you know that it’s not the 1950 anymore and women have all the rights men do and a femenist is ladie who has nothing better do complan on how shitty she’s got it because she to lazy to get off her ass and make life better for herself.
You did said your husband hides at so he doean’t have to help! Did you ever think that he hides at work so he doesn’t have to put up with bullshit of being around you???
You say men are lazy and this why after looking after children cooking and cleaning women don’t want sex well I would like to know what scientific study you got this info from? .
Because I leave home at 5am return home most night around 7:30pm help my wife cook dinner do my own washing i.e work do the dishes play with my son till it’s bed time then put him to sleep and get up and do the first feed and i still have a sex drive!
Now to all first time father who read this just be patience reashore your partners on how you really feel about them don’t make jokes about how they look and help them as much as you and make them feel special i.e find a baby sitter and go out for dinner just the 2 of you and most all don’t listen to the moron who wrote this crap!!!
Wow. You are an angry and frustrated person.
Did this article make shave so many points from your IQ that you cannot use correct spelling, vocabulary, and punctuation before you post to the entire world?
p.s. Do you speak to your partner this way? If so, postpartum changes may not be your issue.
Wow, I couldn’t agree more. My wife goes to work, and I am a stay at home father plus a full time student in college. My son is now 13 months old and I was just trying to find info on if this is normal for her to still not want sex at all this long. Especially when I am the one who cleans the house, cooks ALL of the meals, and takes care of our son. When he wakes up in the middle of the night, it’s me that gets up with him. What’s your excuse now? I am the one who does everything around the house and with our son so why is she still feeling like this? Is there some sort of hormone imbalance after pregnancy? What is it and is it normal for it to last this long?
Louie,you are a legend. I think I will be showing your posts to my partner because you have proven that respect for each other goes a long way. …and that we are not the only couple in this position!
Hi
I feel much better after reading yours comments. I am mum of 1.5 old baby and I am thinking what hapend to my sexual life?Just disapear .I just feel so tired all the time, the life routine of everyday things to do killing me and I becoming to hate my husband and seeing him as enemy, because I see in his eyes and I feel he is waiting and everything he is doing he is hoping I will get in mood. problem its that he is not doing nothing to touch my sensuality, he is so lovely, kind, helpful and understanding person. very comfortable to live with, but he just not doing any effort to awake my sexuality. I feel terrible, I feel like old woman which will newer have sex again, I am getting bored and I am thinking of having lover, someone who don;t see me being so tired, with messy hair and stress. I don’t know, I want our life to get spark back, but I don’t have mind and energy to do it. I don’t have imagination. I am an artist and I lost all my sexual imagination.. he is doing awful things, like buying me horrible flowers from supermarket on last minute on valentine day… on other celebration he make me most hated food and on reply to my romantic birthday ecard he send me some stupid no mining shit… I don’t know, maybe he got enough of me, maybe he also forgot how we leave before the baby.. in pregnancy he was massaging my stomag and feet everyday, now he kiss me only when he wont sex… its terrible. its putting me off completely, just feeling days with frustration. I feel like I want talk to him about this all, or just go and never comeback…
A year ago I was posting in this thread regularily. Since then I have found much more productive places to learn about getting sex back on track.
The advice I am about to give will not apply to everyone. Feel free to ignore this if you feel that it does not apply to you. I am not here to judge anyone. I am just offereing some help to people who are open minded enough to listen.
My sex life vanished after my wife got pregnant with our first child. That was over 6 years ago. It was not hormones. It was not that my wife was just using me to get a baby and no longer needed me. It was much deeper than that.
The real truth was that I was not being the kind of man that she could be sexually attracted to. I was not being a strong, decisive leader for our family. I was not being the masculine force that she needed in her life. I was safe, I was comfortable, but I was not at all sexually attractive.
Before we had kids my wife was willing to over look my short comings for the sake of maintaining peace. As soon as we had kids she no longer had the time and energy to cater to my insecurities. We were not just playing house anymore. Kids are a serious responsibility and she needed me to step up and be a real man. She needed someone who she could trust to take care of her and the family.
I see a lot of victim rants on this page. There is a lot of people pointing the finger at their spouse and saying “She needs to change” or “He needs to change”. I don’t see many people looking at themselves and thinking “What can I do to make this better?”
If you want to play the victim then go ahead and rant all the way to divorce court.
I have chosen to be the leader. I have chosen to make the changes within myself that my wife needed to see. I have stopped demanding anything from her, and have focused instead on meeting her needs. I have become the man and father that she always wanted to be with, and in response she is becoming the woman that I always wanted to be with.
wow well said! it might seem a little bit “old fashioned” but it’s true. women really do need their partners to step up and take the reigns on some levels. be decisive. financially support.
whether in a straight or gay relationship this is true. we are build with this natural nurturing tendency and really go inward.
we need our partner (mine is a man) to take care of us during this time.
I recommend to all the men who are working 9, 10, and 12 hour days to try a little more quality time with their wife to create some intimacy for sex. I need quality time with my husband to get turned on. Time is far more valuable than that extra money you might earn with all those hours. Trust me. The more quality time you give her the more she will GIVE you.
You guys are little heroes who wait patiently for months and years…!
One tip from me: Get your ladys to get their hormones checked…!!
They are probably out of whack and she isnt aware of it. Doctors, gynecologists and sexologists seem to make everything psycological when it comes to women and sex. That is partly bullshit.. Im a woman myself, completely lost my libido during pregnancy and hasnt gotten better 9 months after birth. Ive called for medical help now, cant cope with this much more. .I miss my lovelife, We have sex but I miss feeling him. So breastfeeding is well and good and healthy for the baby, but breasfeedinghormones makes momma numb and asexual. I think it is okay and not selfish to choose your marriage and love life after a few months of breastfeeding..
Thanks SC for the dose of reality without the defensiveness.
Most of us here are responding to this particular article. This article is, very simply, sexist. And its that simple.
All of the particulars are known to us, as we have the largest Alexandrian library ever invented at our fingertips…the Internet. Anyone with an ounce of brain DOES understand that T-levels matter, and most of us DO end up going to the Doctor. Much to my dismay, my own partner’s T-levels are just fine. Meanwhile, she continues to gain weight, my income continues to increase, my chore-list gets longer, and I keep tenderly supporting her, while doing my best to relieve her pressures.
Do I lay invective at her doorstep and harangue her? NO!
Do I pressure her daily, or even weekly? NO!
Do I communicate to her passionately and lovingly? YES!
Do I “make time” for romance? Hmm…how about our anniversary, which was a get-away to a bio-dynamic range in the Canadian north? How about the time I pulled out my guitar and wrote her that love-song? Perhaps it was the time I came home with the bath-bombs and a little note with sweet nothings?
The “scented candle” school of love philosophy is…bullshit. Pure bullshit.
There are plenty of women who recover their drive, and plenty of women who cynically take advantage of what they have: a compassionate earner who wants to live up to his obligations.
I AM the man I always wanted to be…..a public speaker, an earner, and a professional, with a cadre of family and friends I admire. I don’t need to justify myself anymore.
Thanks for listening.
I agree With the comments I have been reading. Sex is a very important part of our relationship that has been left out because “I’m just to tired tonight”. This seems to be a common answer among wives. My son is almost 1 and we have had sex about a half dozen times since she got pregnant. This is not even since the baby has been born. I am talking almost 2 years. I have read all the information from these web sites saying that if a man does this of that then his wife will have sex with him. The sits are written from a woman’s perspective i think to get the woman out of some work. I leave the house a 5:30am and don’t get back till 9:45 pm then get up in the middle of the night so maybe when i get home i can get intimate with my wife. But when i get home she is to tired. Were is the fairness in that.
6-8 weeks?!?!?! I f*cking wish!!!! The wife and I havn’t had a regular sex life in over a year! Tell me there is something wrong with her. I did everything. I got up in the middle of the night when she was tired. Got up at 6 am so that she would sleep in. DId the chores so she wouldn’t have to worry. You guys are whining about not having sex for a couple weeks?!?! Give me a f*cking break! We have had sex probably about 5 times in the last 14 months and I am nearing my breaking point. I know it’s just sex but I need to feel a physical connection with my wife.
Hmm..funny. Yes, it is well possible that there are men who don’t get up in the night and hide at work, but I am writing this next to our two babies, for whom I wake up during the night, so my wife can get her beauty sleep. Also we have nannies during the days. And I cook. And I earn. Wife breastfeeds..and after that I come in with the bottle. It must be so hard being a modern woman…err..what do modern women actually do in a relationship nowadays?…except feel sorry for themselves. I kind of envy my colleagues from Pakistan and India. At least their wives do something more than warm the food husband earned and cooked.
I agree with the comment below. Try driving an hour and a half to work then working 12 hours with no lunch or breaks, (construction) then an hour and a half back 6 days a friggin week. AND still helping around the house, diapers, baths, just simply holding, an not to mention 2 and a half acres of yard with a push mower! We dont all HIDE at work, some of us bust our ass all day long to pay the rent, pay off your credit cards, an your car payments. And you try once every 10 days or so to be intimate, (while baby is sleeping, an all is well) an getting shunned. Makes a guy feel like a dollar sign an nothing more. Especially when there is NO INTIMATE relations whatsoever, not even a kiss or a hug unless initiated by us.. Keep your man hating to yourself, an think about what it’d be like from the other side of the glass.
Kate,
Your sexist article here is a very good example of how individuals like yourself contribute to the problem. Although this article is three years old, it nonetheless is useful to add a quick comment here.
Firstly, not all men “hide out” after having a baby nor do they all bug out when a diaper needs to be changed. For your information, many of us not only 1) do MOST of the parenting, but also 2) Are the only income earners in the household 3) Wait for two years after baby is born and finally realize we should be having sex again.
And by the way, MANY of us men get up EVERY SINGLE NIGHT with our babies. Your sexist drivel is pathetic and completely uninformative. Sex is important…but thanks for trying to sideline reality with your ill-written garbage.
I am 27 and I have two children the ages of two and one they are day shy of being a year apart and my husband and I have been going through this since I would say the middle of my first pregnancy.We have really been felling the effects this past year about it he is realting how miserable he is that he needs me and that he feels I dont love him anymore. Well i do love him he is the love of my life but I have lost my sex drive I am in the mood literally once a month and he has requested that I give him something once a week and I try my hardest to make that once a week quota But that is what it is it feels like a chore I feel that I am always giving something someone or somone needs something from me and I wish I didnt feel this way about sex because I am watching out marriage start to go ina downward spiral and i try to pep talk myself into making myself think differrently or change this situatuion but then time comes and I just cant get myself to go for it. And that fact that husband seems to only touch me to try and make something into it drive me nuts I dont kow what to do I have done reasearch on the subject but it seems like there isnt anythin concrete thats will change it. PLease hlep!!! If you have any constructive thoughts Thanks so much. And for all you guys you are frustrated it really doesnt have anything to do with you.Like I said I love my husband and I want things to go back to the way they were. and hopefully they do before my husband decides to move on down a different path besides the one with me.
We seem to have lost a large chunk of comments. There was a long thread including Louie after he said it was probably his last post.
In any case…
The fact that you want to want sex rules out a lot of the things discussed over the last few years on here. Since there are times when you do want sex, albeit rare, perhaps look for what else is going on in your life at those times? Perhaps keep a diary? Find out why you DO want sex sometimes, and maybe you can replicate that? I’ve read that scheduling sex can actually increase libido. Dunno if that works for you. Games you can play? Trade who gets to be the boss on alternate ‘date nights’? Just remember that your brain is your primary sex organ. Find out what works for you and tap into it.
And I hesitate to say it, because I think it gets said too often, but it doesn’t hurt to talk to a doctor. Just make the doctor is listening to you, not jumping to write on a pad.
You all are crazy people, all of you.Basic truth that applies to all males is that they are sex crazy, thats the natural act for any male species and that how from one man and one women we are at present over 7 billion people on earth.
There is no shame in denying that we all enjoy having sex, atleast married men who are posting blogs that they would like to have sex with thier dear wives are atleast not going out for happy go lucky sex by paying a 100 dollar bill to any street whore, atleast they are seeking sexual pleasures from thier married wife. Science tells us that females are 70% more active to sex rather than myth that males are one who are always sex crazy. If after child birth you donot feel like having sex then you should consult a good sexologist and discuss the problem rather than cursing your husbands that I dont feel like having sex again and again.
When afetr 6 months or even longer waiting the husbands finaly gets tempted to have happy go lucky sex on the cheap hotels and wife come to know about they make seriosu allegations and curse the marriage. I am not against the females here but would they mind seeing a good doctor alongwith thier husband so that the husband also hears the truth from the doctor himself.
Raising a child is not easy as it seem, today with so much inflation its sometimes its becomes mandatory for both the parents to work so as to bear the expense of the household plus save continuosly for the childs future expenses. But at the same time babies are always closest to the mothers just because they are ones who can feed them from thier breast and they are ones who bear them for 9 months so a bond is always much more deep than the father. But I have always seen women will acuse thier husbands ohh you just dump the kid on me and run away with your part of the responsibility. Well I had 3 maids , told my wife to quit job after we had our first baby 7 months ago (5 yeras of maaried life, planned big time for this day), still she was frustrated, when i come back from office : same story and same grumbling and obviously no sex and here what did i do wrong. Provided all the ammenities, labour power to clean, cook, launder, take care of the baby and other household activites by 3 maids and she is sitting home as no work, still when at night i sleep next to her and cuddle her, she will say… honey i am so damn tired, please dont irritate me….
I would love to have your comments, we men are still giving chances to our marriage but when it comes to women they dont even think twice before breaking up the relations…
I absolutely agree with you as I’m also facing the same situation.