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Do you allow your underage child to sip from your alcoholic beverage? Do you buy her wine coolers for an “innocent” get together at your house? Or how about beer for him to take back to college?
I know a couple who allows their sixteen-year-old to drink with them. Apparently it is legal for a minor to drink in a bar in Wisconsin as long as their parent is with them. This couple took their son to a bar and watched while their son drank until he was drunk. To them this was a right of passage. An opportunity for their teen to realize his limits and what it felt like to be hungover the next day. I felt sick to my stomach when I heard them tell this story.
I’ve heard all the excuses. Kids will do it anyway. Parents want to teach their children to drink in moderation. Parents want them to know how it feels so they will never do it again. But I still think allowing your underage child to drink is a weird way to teach your child to be responsible with alcohol.
I have several problems with this let them drink to discourage drinking school of thought:
It’s illegal to drink when you’re under 21
In all fifty states in the US, it is illegal for anybody under the age of 21 to consume alcohol. I realize there are some exceptions, such as the law in Wisconsin and the fact that most states allow a teenager to drink in their own home with parental supervision, but ultimately the state believes a person should be 21 to drink. And I want my children to respect the law. I don’t want to teach them it’s ok to ignore one law, but obey others. It wouldn’t send a very good message if I allowed my child to drink before his 21st birthday. Even with the threat of breaking the law, there is still a chance my kids will ignore my rules when they are under pressure from their friends. I understand that, but I don’t think that should deter me from making my wishes clear to my child. I want to make sure they have my voice in their ear when they are in the process of making that decision. I want them to know I do not condone that behavior. I want to make it clear that they should wait until they are 21 to drink.
A teenager’s brain is still developing1
The age of 21 wasn’t chosen arbitrarily. Studies have shown that a person’s brain is not fully developed until they are in their twenties. This means that a teenager may not completely understand the consequences of their actions and may often act impulsively. Teens are more likely to engage in “bad” behavior when they are drinking; including driving drunk, getting in to fights, taking drugs, or having sex. It also means that alcohol effects a teen’s brain differently than it would an adult’s brain. Adolescents can experience difficulty with learning and memory. Also, a teen’s repeated exposure to alcohol can cause permanent damage to the brain.
We can teach moderation without allowing them to drink
I agree, it is important to teach teens that drinking should be done in moderation. But we can teach by example rather than experimenting. My husband does not drink at all. I will drink a glass or two of wine with dinner when we go out to a restaurant. They see me drinking, but they also see me stop and switch to water. And they never see me drive after I’ve had even one drink. By viewing our actions, they are learning what they should do as an adult. Even though it seems like our teenagers are pushing us away, parents are still the number one influence on a child’s life. Be a good influence.
I don’t believe I have to allow my children to drink to teach them not to drink. That seems like a bit of a mixed message to me. That’s a bit like teaching your child about safe sex by allowing them to have sex in your house to make sure they are safe. I think we can all agree we won’t do that.
The other day I was reading an article in the Marin Independent Journal about teen drinking in Marin County, an affluent area of California. A survey of 987 Marin County high school students found 11% of students get alcohol from their parents. That’s over 100 kids who’s parents gave their underage kids alcohol. And 22% of the teens surveyed who drink four or more times a month think they parents wouldn’t mind that they drink. More than 200 kids think their parents are fine with them drinking four times or more a month. That just blows my mind.
What are you thoughts? Do you let your underage child drink alcohol?
1White, Aaron M., Ph.D., Alcohol and the Adolescent Brain. http://www.duke.edu/~amwhite/Adolescence/index.html. 2004.
After reading this and some of the comments – I’d thought I’d give a younger perspective on this. I’m 17 years of age, just recently graduated with honors from high school with a 91 average. I’m not currently moving onto College, but I intend to next fall. Now… I consume alcohol. Oh yes, the forbidden alcohol. I’m about a year and a half under the legal age for my Province. The way I go about it – I drink with my parents permission. Not necessarily with them, but with their permission. My mother will purchase the alcohol for me (I pay for it, but she buys it.) but we’ve set ground rules for when I’m not drinking near my home.
1) If I’m at a friends house, you stay at that friends house.
2) If they set a limit (Example : Make sure you bring half the bottle home, don’t drink more than that.) I follow that or I’ll get some form of punishment or my privileges will be removed.
3) Be honest about it. If I go out and drink, they have to know who I’m with and where I’ll be. If they don’t like the conditions, I don’t drink or I stay home.
My parents raised me to be honest. When I was about 16, I had my first experience with alcohol and since then I’ve been allowed to casually drink with my friends. I don’t drink to get drunk.
You can say what you wish about my parents being irresponsible, you could even go so far as to say they’re bad parents, but I’m happy that they educated me well on the bad things about alcohol and that we have an open relationship where I can be honest and I can try things safely, rather than when I turn 19 go nuts and get drunk my first night (Since that seems to be the ‘ritual’, except for the 18th birthday.. that’s “Go to Quebec and get hammered”, which that won’t be happening either). Now I know my limits, I know what alcohol can do to my body, and I know how to be safe. Also, I should probably add – I drink casually once ever couple months or so. I’m not a party girl.
Hello. You do bring up a good point. Underage drinking in the United States has become an issue among teens. True, allowing your child to become intoxicated is highly immoral and should be unlawful, even with consent, however allowing them to drink in moderation and teaching them that it is an enjoyable beverage, not a means to become drunk or more “social” as many teens believe. Simply allowing someone to consume alcohol at 21 is not going to make them responsible; as no one else teaches how to consume it, parents should feel obligated to allow their child (teen) to try the alcohol in order to understand the effects and consequnces of it. I just turned 18, and I understand my limits and the consequnces that may occur if I leave my home. In fact, after one sip of any alcohol, I give my mother my keys. I do not want to drive after I drink, no matter the quantity. This mindset would not have been achieved if my mother hadnt allowed me to experience the effects of consumption of alcohol. I do hope that parents will allow their teen to drink, however, I expect them to teach their child responsibility, and to ensure that they understand the law. (Yes, the state states that the legal drinking age is 21. They enforce this law outside of the domestic home. You or your child is not in violation of the law so long as they do not leave your property.)
As a follow up to my comment on Oct 19th I would like to say that parents like Lori and Christine seem to be living in a fantasy world where their logical arguments make sense to teenagers like myself and are regarded as good advice rather than the parents just trying to tell us kids what to do. To Christine you said that you drink one or two with dinner and switch to water showing them moderation. I would like to point out the the actual message you are sending is that drinking is absolutely normal and that because you are older you think you know better than they do. Lori on the other hand must be stupid because she seems to think that her banning something is going to stop him and make him think the way she does. furthermore i would like to categorize parents like Lori and Christine as the type that get their life skills out of a how be a good parent/how to wipe your own ass guide book. they seem to think that every situation can be solved by following a guide book.
I feel that having a legal age for anything is just plain wrong. it is age discrimination. just because someone is a certain age doesn’t mean that they are qualified to be a parent and or wipe their own ass etc
I have a job that pays 25 an hour and feel as though i am getting screwed more than anyone else when i look at the taxes i have withheld each pay period. the reason i feel that way is that i can’t vote so consequently i am unable to elect someone that might actually represent my interests. it is nothing more than taxation without representation. some people might argue that my parents are looking out for me, but even if they are i still don’t have any pull over who they vote for.
all i’m saying is that teenagers resent being told what they can and can’t do because they are told to be responsible so that they can get rights, but if they don’t have rights than how can they be responsible? which one comes first?
I am a 30 year old who agrees with John & Patrick & think Lori is creating her own problems.
I was raised in Chicago (city, not burbs), the youngest of 5. My parents would let us have kids over and buy the first case with our friends bringing the rest. They would occasionally check the bedrooms (which were off limits) and the bathrooms. No one drove – no need to in the city.
We would have wine with dinner on the weekends and at family “events” from about 15 on. It was never a big deal. I Never lied to my parents about drinking.
I didn’t have a curfew – as long as they knew where I was and had a # and an idea of when I’d be home, they trusted me. My older siblings screwed this up along the way and got curfews as punishments – I learned from example and always called when I was going to be late.
My college was pretty strict and about 15% of my freshman class was not allowed back 2nd semester – to much binge drinking since they were away from home and “free” for the first time. I really only got seriously drunk once, my junior year of college – after I was 21 mind you, thankfully didn’t do anything stupid and my friends took care of me for once (as I always had for them).
Teach your children responsibility in your home – don’t expect them to learn it among their friends.
I completely agree with john.
I am 17 in my senior year of high school in a suburb of Chicago, IL. At my school about 80% of the kids have had a drink in the last month and about 20% drink almost every weekend. I personally drink for celebrations like new years or the occasional beer on the weekend with some friends. We never go crazy and we always have 1-2 people as the DD (no drinks the whole night) and those people also cut others off if they have had to much or should slow down. Yes our parents aren’t stupid and know this is going on. They all believe that as long as we keep it on the dl and do it reasonably, safely, and responsibly its fine. At one point my dad said, “If a 12 pack goes missing I won’t say a word” because he doesn’t want us (me, my brothers and sisters, and friends) to get all shit faced in college. He wants me to know my limits and how to do it responsibly before I’m out on my own without and restrictions.
Again there is a huge stereotype against teenagers and how irresponsible we are, but that’s only the handful that have no self control. The majority do it in moderation and respectfully enjoy the pleasure of drink alcohol.
If there was a lift of the drinking age more and more young adults would never have a problem with alcohol, unlike they do now.
I am 16 and live in Chicago IL USA.
i feel that parents need a reality check. teenagers are as a rule going to break rules whatever they may be or how sensible. If you were to lower the drinking age to 18 say or even 16 you would eliminate the binge drinking that occurs when teens go to that party or that friends house that would “never” have alcohol and drugs. i am not saying that it is healthy, but rather that responsible drinking like in europe is the answer.
Parents trust their kids with cars at 15 using a permit; 16 with a license, at 18 you can vote, die for your country, get married, have credit cards, smoke, buy a house, own a gun, etc. but they aren’t responsible enough to make the choice whether to drink or not?
if you think that they aren’t responsible enough to know when and how much to drink then where do you get away with giving them all of the other rights and resonsiblities at 15,16,and 18 respectivly.
have some class and pull your heads out of your ass. remember when you were kids and then decide if and how your kids should drink/do drugs.
pot for instance is legal in amsterdam and you don’t see the netherlands going to hell in a hand basket.
anything is bad in excess and making it illegal won’t stop it only make it more desirable and all the sweeter.
I think your desire not to teach your children to disobey the law is in the right place but the law itself is as obsolete as acceptance of drunk driving.
If you compare Canada and the US (and statistically the countries are pretty similar) you’ll see that Canada has a much more sensible age of 19 (18 in some places) – we don’t have the binge drinking problem for one simple reason.
It’s legal.
Guess what, I’m Canadian and yes, I enjoy the odd glass of wine with dinner and the odd social drink. Making it legal hasn’t stinted by growth, I’m not driving drunk. I’m not having to defy anyone to have a drink so there’s no incentive go go crazy.
Maybe if Washington got smart and scrapped the highway funding law (as it should) we’d have a lot less fatalities by promoting responsible use – rather than binge drinking.
By all means give your kids the odd glass, get rid of the taboo. Teach them that it’s something to be enjoyed responsibly and not abused.
The irony, the “Land of the Free” has less freedom than 95% of the world’s populations really should be addressed. The US is pretty progressive in a lot of things, it’s about time it joins the international community on standards.
Hi, I’m a 15 year old girl and have just read your report for a part of my Welsh Baquiloriette GCSE’s.
I understand why parents would not want to give alcohol to their children but i truely believe that parents giving alcohol to their children over the age of 14 is fine if they give it in moderations. I tried my first alcoholic drink at a friends wedding party. It was a WKD. I do not drink very often, but when i do, its usually one bottle of WKD (the small ones). My parents have braught me up well. I respect alcohol. I do not abuse it. And i can tell you, most of my year at school feels the exact same!!
Why do people keep judging us young youth? Not everyone is bad. Not everyone breaks laws. I am sick of being stereotyped. Just because you see a few teenagers out on the street drinking, it doesnt mean we all do it. I did a survey at school to Year 10 & 11, and one of the questions were do you drink responsibally? 88% said yes.
So all i want to say is please, stop stereotyping us, we know how to control ourselves. And we will respect the amount of alcohol we drink if parents show us how.
I would love a reply.
Email me at – nocnocenoch@msn.com
Thanks.
Emily-Jayne Enoch.
15 years old.
South Wales.
I’m no expert. I’m just a mom of teenagers like you. But in my opinion, you are doing the right thing eliminating sleepovers for the remainder of the year. You were very clear about your expectations and rules. He knew the consequences if he broke those rules. He got caught so he now faces those consequences. Plus he’s made it clear he will continue this behavior if you let him have sleepovers so I’d make it clear he’s not mature enough to have sleepovers then.
He may very well do some binge drinking in college. Unfortunately it’s fairly common for teens away from home in their first year of college to partake in such partying. But college is a very different experience from high school. There is so much more to do in college. There are more groups to join, more activities to be involved with and an all new set of people to meet. I’m sure he will be surprised at how much more there is to do in college besides drinking.
Finally, it sounds like he is just threatening the binge drinking when he gets to college to push your buttons, but it is definitely something I would watch. It’s one thing to drink socially with friends because he thinks it makes him cool or “everybody’s doing it.” (That doesn’t make it ok, but it also doesn’t mean it will necessarily grow in to a problem). But if he feels he NEEDS alcohol and has to make up for it and thinks binge drinking will help him, then he may have a problem. He may need to talk to a professional about it.
Again, I’m not a professional, but that’s my two cents.
We are in the midst of a conundrum with our 17-year old son. We refuse to allow underage drinking in our home, and we have preached not to drink, but if you do, be safe (designated driver, etc.). We have warned that if he is caught drinking, whether by us, other parents, or the police, he would lose the privilege of sleeping over a friend’s house (which we allowed once per week). We’re not fools. We know that the only real purpose of these sleepovers is to drink, but we viewed it as a compromise that would hopefully lead to responsible drinking in one place, no driving. Well, our son was recently arrested for underage drinking and was the passenger in a car with a drunk driver. Thankfully, the police caught them before anybody was seriously hurt. We have responded, as promised, by revoking our son’s sleepover privileges for the remainder of his senior year. He is now depressed and angry and regularly makes the case that we should limit the punishment to a month or two. He shows no indication of remorse and readily admits that he wants to continue the sleepovers so that he can drink again, although he admits getting into the car with a driver who had been drinking was a mistake. He argues that 75% of his high school is drinking on Friday and Saturday nights, and he’s the only one left out. He argues that he’s going to be so repressed after this year, that he’s going to go crazy binging in his freshman year of college. Have things really gotten this bad? Are we wrong to revoke his sleepover privileges for so long, knowing that he’d resume drinking as soon as we give in? Help!
We live in the UK which has very different drink laws. With our two kids we allowed/allow them to taste (dipped pinky) anything anytime they were/are curious. The taste is generally unpleasant to them and they avoid it after the first dip.
As they get older 10/12+ they will (if they want it) be allowed watered down wine with the evening meal and as they get older the dilution will reduce. This is generally regarded as a continental European style and reduces the mystique of drink to an everyday thing. Exceptions that I believe had to be added to drink laws in the some states due to the customs of european immigrants.
By 16/17 it is not uncommon for a teenager to be allowed a light beer/glass of wine/or more with a meal (legal in restaurants when accompanied by an adult) and they can buy it in shops or bars (pubs) from 18.
IMHO alcohol is here to stay and kids need to understand what it is (and isn’t), how to “appreciate ” it and as with everything else what is acceptable behavior. Speaking from experience, that which was forbidden seemed all the sweeter.
Drink driving is an absolute no-no here and heavily policed/punished as well (even stricter on the continent). That will be drummed into them.
Having said all that I personally feel that going out and deliberately getting the child drunk is too much, verging on irresponsible.
Here is what I struggle with…how to lecture against it when I did it myself as a teen. I also had older siblings and their friends who would buy me alcohol when I wanted it. They always made me promise not to be the one driving and I would always say I wasn’t and then did anyway. I was really worried what I was going to do if my nephew ever came to me to buy him alcohol. I knew my brother wouldn’t want me too but yet my brother bought it for me. It’s a double standard. Thankfully my nephew never was a drinker and never came to me with that delimma. Now, I love my kids as much as the next person and I definitely don’t want anything to happen to them. Looking back I see how many times I should never have gotten behind the wheel and I definitely want to instill that in my kids. They also have family members who have served jail time for numerous DUI’s so I talk to them about that – the legality of it and getting caught. Of course I will discourage the peer pressure to drink. I also do think kids will find a way to do it anyway and when/if that’s the case, safety is the priority. I will definitely be the “call me anytime day or night” parent. The “I don’t care how many kids I have to cram in my car or how far I have to drive to get them home, don’t get behind the wheel or in the car with someone who has been drinking” parent. Some could say his encourages them to go ahead and drink and just call mom to bail them out so to speak. Ahh but I never said I would be that “call me” mom without punishment come the light of day.
i think giving your kids alcohol is bad, simply because if it’s ok for them to drink, they are going to try to cross the line somewhere else. i had friends who were allowed to drink, and their parents thought they’d be safer if they did it in the house, but because they had to rebel somehow, they are now 25 and still living in their parents house due to their retail mall jobs not being able to support both the cost of housing and their drug addiction. And their parents enable them, because they want to be “the good guy”.
If you set firm boundaries for your kid, they will probably step over them, but ultimately your example to them will be more powerful and keep them from going too far.
Alcohol and drug abuse among teens is growing across the nation. The move from elementary to middle school often signals a shift in social habits. Alcohol and/or drugs often show up without warning leaving kids with a critical decision–is this what it means to be social. Encouraging this behavior by bringing your child to a bar (granted your story wasn’t about an 11-year-old) seems to promote this habit.
I wonder if the story you shared is one focused more on a cultural attitude rather than parent neglect. Yes, the legal drinking age in the U.S. is 21, but teens in other parts of the world have been drinking for years. Perhaps the issue really comes down to parent responsibility and anticipating the consequences of a decision like this in the U.S.
Your posts always inspire deeper thought. Even at 6am as I roll out of bed.
Regards,
Joe Bruzzese